I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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