Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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