I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
