my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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