i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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