there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
