What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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