dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize