My liver just broke up with me...
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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