The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
People in love make me want to vomit
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Randomize
