I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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