No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize