I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
