is wine microwaveable?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
