Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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