I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
