He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I stole a fireplace last night.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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