you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
