I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
