Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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