Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
