I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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