I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
