I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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