Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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