I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
My cat gives me a boner
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
