it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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