Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
