i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
