the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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