I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
