I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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