sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She has the best kind of daddy issues
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
