Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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