Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize