the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
