Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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