I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
