Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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