sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
