3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
