2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
