Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
