East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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