so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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