It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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