answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
