My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
