Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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