I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
