Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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