I just pynch a tree in the face
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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