i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
