Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
