we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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