and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
