So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
