Betty ford says i'm here all night
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize