i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
